This is a follow-up to a post I wrote an hour ago and then deleted as instructed by a kind, respectful commenter.
Here is how I should have introduced that post: I am autistic. I donāt think the same way that most people do. I always figured I was a little on the spectrum, but according to evidence, I underestimated just how autistic I am. I feel the full gamut of emotions: happiness, loneliness, sadness, anger, resentment, hopefulness, whatever. But I approach life as a set of logical problems. That doesnāt mean I donāt give in to my emotions sometimes and make stupid mistakes that I regret later.
The reason I hesitate to say Iām autistic is because Iāve grown up talking shit with the guys, and āautisticā was always used as an insult, as far as I could tell. I donāt want to be labeled like: āAwww look at that cute autistic kid trying to communicate with the normal people!!ā Statements like that are degrading, and I donāt want to be the target of them. Reasonable?
I think my previous post (now deleted) was off-putting to a lot of people because I was very forthcoming about my values and beliefs, and I mixed finding friends and finding business clients into one post. I also mentioned a lot of past mistakes I have made, and times I have hurt people. Someone kindly took the time to DM me and explained that I came off as one of the lizard people from old TV: (roughly) āHello, fellow humans, do not mind me, I am not here to eat you. I am just like you.ā
In reality, I was trying to humble myself and say āLook, no matter who you are, or what you have done, I have made mistakes too. I wonāt look down on you.ā I think I must have failed to communicate that message, because my post got disliked into the gutter and I got a ton of negative comments telling me things like āRead enough of this to know youāre insufferable and your ex is much better off without youā.
THAT FUCKING HURT, ASSHOLES. I JUST LOST A 1.5 YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH A GIRL I STILL LOVE AND YOUāRE JUST GONNA SIT BEHIND YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN AND SAY HURTFUL THINGS WHILE IāM GOING OUT ON A LIMB TO TRY AND BE MORE SOCIABLE??
Iām really gratefulāand I mean I am really gratefulāto have two parents who never got divorced, have always been faithful to each other even through tough times, and who love me unconditionally. I know they love me unconditionally because they have seen me at rock bottom, after I hid so much stuff from them for so long, and they came at me with nothing but empathy and support. Iām also lucky to have many male role models in addition to my dad; men who operate with respect and humility, even in the face of adversity and condescension from others.
I donāt hate those people who wrote mean comments. They upset me greatly for a little while, but that is all the more reason to love them. Happy people donāt sit on Reddit and tear other people down. So clearly, those commenters are going through rough times. That makes them exactly the type of people that I would like to be good friends with.
Women
In my previous post, I also mentioned wanting to make female friends because I have an unhealthy view of women. I have grown up reading/watching a lot of content about feminism, and gender equality, etc. etc. My mom raised me to be respectful of women, telling stories about how she has been sexually harassed and looked down on in places of work as a woman. I was just a young kid when I first heard those stories from her. I grew up never wanting to be one of the āmale pigsā, and I definitely do not want to EVER be labeled a rapist. I have seen what happens to people like that.
Fast forward to dating in my 20s, and I see women passed around and used as nothing more than fuck toys by some assholes. And they seem to enjoy it. Sometimes, the same women spewing feminist remarks. Meanwhile, I was trying to be a nice guy and never overstep with women. I got rejected a lot of times, and matches on Tinder were rare, even after trying lots of different bios and approaches. It was humiliating and demoralizing. Finally, it all made sense when I realized how much people care about physical appearance. Iād rate myself around a 5. I take decent care of my body and Iāve never been overweight, but my jawline is shit (a beard helps but not totally) and I started balding in high school, which was a huge insecurity of mine for a long time.
Throughout all of my dating experiences, I have felt miserable plenty of times. Iāve been insulted and betrayed by women whose opinions I took straight to heart. I became bitter and resentful, and I mistreated them right back.
In hindsight, I made so many mistakes and hurt people so many times. When I follow the sequence of events without getting emotional, everything that happened makes perfect sense.
That said, Iām still not comfortable around women the way I am around men. Maybe thatās the way itās supposed to be. But I see many women claiming they want to be treated as equal individuals, which to me means: one of the boys but they have a vagina, rather than a potential mate I should be cautious around. Also, by comfortable, I donāt mean ācomfortable making unwanted approachesā. I just mean not anxious, and able to carry a thoughtful philosophical conversation like I easily can with another guy, without weird feelings and sexual tension getting mixed in every time.
Growing
These days, I understand that everyone faces difficulty in life. I no longer hate people I once wanted to KILLāactually, I even respect them now. The past year, I have been repairing bridges that I previously burned, and learning to express my emotions to people in a healthy way.
Iāve been learning so much about people, and the more I learn, the more I love them. Everyone has an interesting story to tell, and when I hear it and help them process it, itās like we both win! In a world that can be pretty cruel and unforgiving, I think companionship is a beautiful thing.
That said, companionship and empathy isnāt everything. I also want a supportive group where we keep each other accountable and help each other to not give up on our goals.
My goals are:
- Physical fitness: I want a hot body, and I want to feel great and stay healthy at least well into my 50s. It is an ego thing, and also a fear-of-death thing. Is that wrong?
- Environmental sustainability: As far as I can tell, logically, our world is dying. And we are FUCKED if we donāt do something about it. Thatās why it upsets me when people drive big trucks everywhere as status symbols, drink tons of bottled water, and say āoh what can I do, Iām just one person?ā Guess what, Sherlock: if everyone thinks that way, suddenly you have billions of people trashing the planet, not just one. I donāt mean to alienate people who drive trucks, I still love you. Iām just trying to find solutions so we can all survive and have healthy lives.
- Get rid of paperwork and other tedious bullshit: Nuff said. Life is short. As far as I can tell, a lot of paperwork exists because of people using the America legal system to make money, and not much other reason. All that money will be worthless if the world collapses as a result of cold corporate bureaucracy and whatnot.
- Be someone anyone can go to: Sometimes I fantasize about tearing a cruel person down to their core, saying the most hurtful things they need to hear but that no one will tell them, and then hugging them and accepting them when they cry. And maybe yelling at all the bystanders who sit there gawking and contributing to a high pressure social situation where the cruel person feels like they will be ostracized if they show vulnerability.
In Closing
If you think we could be friends, or even rivals, or you just want to criticize me, here is my contact info.
Sam Claus
hello@samcla.us
352 - 204 - 7650
I work as a programmer-for-hire via Claus & Effect LLC. I think people just separate work/life because they arenāt proud of their work and/or the company they work for. I will not take a job if I think the software is going to be used maliciously. Simple as that. I might be wrong regarding work/life separation reasons though, and I would be happy to have a conversation if you disagree.